How to Forgive Yourself: Overcome Shame & Move Forward

Summary : Discover actionable steps to release guilt and embrace self-forgiveness. Learn to let go of past mistakes and start your journey to inner peace today.
forgive yourself

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We all make mistakes, some bigger than others but at the end of the day there is one thing you can be certain of. You cannot go back in time to change these things, all you can do is work toward a better future where you learn from mistakes and overcome the guilt and shame associated with these experiences. 

Discover actionable steps to release guilt and embrace self-forgiveness. Learn to let go of past mistakes and start your journey to inner peace today.

The Significance of Self-Forgiveness

Self-forgiveness means allowing yourself to let go of pent-up anger, guilt and shame that may have accumulated over the years in your body due to past mistakes. It is important to forgive yourself because it can lead to better emotional and mental health, improved relationships, heightened self-trust, emotional freedom and improved overall physical health. Learning how to forgive yourself is a process. One that requires you first to understand what it means. So let’s begin by understanding the concept of self-forgiveness.

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Understanding Self-Forgiveness

To forgive yourself means to recognise and accept responsibility for your past mistakes and extend compassion to yourself. You don’t have to dismiss or justify what you did, but instead, treat yourself with kindness and learn the lessons from those mistakes. As humans, we are quicker to forgive others but are the hardest on ourselves when we make mistakes. This needs to change if you are to learn how to forgive yourself. It’s important to remember that you’re just human, and you can make mistakes just like everyone else. There are four R’s of forgiveness – Responsibility, Remorse, Restoration and Renewal. Let’s understand these further in the step-by-step guide to forgive yourself below.

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Key Steps to Forgive Yourself

It’s worth remembering that forgiving yourself is not a sign of weakness. It is a key step in promoting your personal growth, and everyone should learn to forgive themselves. If often you’ve found yourself asking, how can I forgive myself? For an error you made in the past? Here’s how:

Step 1: Recognise Emotions 

Cultivate self-awareness and try to identify and label your emotions. This way, you can point out the feelings attached to guilt and shame and begin to regulate them. 

Step 2: Take Responsibility 

Accept what has gone wrong and practise self-compassion. This is the hardest step in your journey to forgiving yourself. Just face what you’ve done without excuses and justification. 

Step 3: Be Kind to Yourself

Once you’ve confronted yourself for what has happened, show remorse but approach it with kindness. Show yourself the same amount of kindness that you would if a dear friend made a mistake. Avoid being too critical of yourself and promise yourself to do better.

Step 4: Express Remorse 

Feeling guilty and remorseful for what you did is a good thing. It shows that you’re intrinsically a good human being. But don’t let these feelings turn into shame. Own your mistakes and shift towards a positive mindset.

Step 5: Make an Apology 

This is one of the key steps in learning how to overcome guilt. If you had wronged another person, you would say sorry, right? The same applies to you. Make amends with yourself and apologise to yourself as well as to anyone else who might’ve been hurt due to your mistake. And then work towards rectifying it. 

Step 6: Focus on the Lessons

Instead of falling for the self-hatred or self-pity trap, learn from the experience and try to find ways to harness your lessons. Note down what steps you can take going forward to avoid repeating the same mistakes and make better choices.

Step 7: Implement the Learnings

Finally, put your lessons into action. Make an active effort to do better and take the knowledge of what you learnt from your past experiences to guide your future actions.

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Practical Exercises and Tips for Self-Forgiveness

Still dealing with the question of how to forgive yourself? Here are some additional tips that will support you in the journey:

  • Open up and talk about your mistakes with your loved ones instead of holding your guilt in. Express your emotions wholly to someone, even if it means seeking professional help. It’s okay to look for support when you’re going through something.
  • Learn to separate what you did from what you are. Don’t let your mistakes define you. Just because you did a ‘bad’ thing doesn’t make you a bad person. 
  • Be honest with yourself and acknowledge what happened. Accept that you messed up without any judgment or justification. You can even use a journaling tool to do this.
  • Don’t punish yourself. Don’t let guilt and shame control your life. Instead of beating yourself up about what went wrong, focus on what you can do to make it go right.
  • If you find it difficult to forgive yourself and the feelings of shame are too overwhelming, ask for a higher power to forgive you. Pray to a god you believe in to forgive you. 

Here are some exercises that might help you in forgiving yourself

Exercise 1

Make a list of all the people you have harmed and how you harmed them. Then, go through the list and specify the conditions that led you to behave in the way you did. Maybe it was because you were stressed or something they said triggered you. Identify where these behaviours come from. This will help you become more self-aware and understanding. Acknowledge the fact that you have limitations and that you’re an imperfect human just like everyone else. Forgive yourself.

Exercise 2

This exercise is great for you if you struggle with apologising to others. In your journal, write down who you harmed and how. Next, walk up to the person you wronged and read it out aloud to them. Encourage them to direct their anger at you by voicing how they feel but stop them if they start to get verbally abusive. This will help you take responsibility for your actions and make amends.

Barriers to Self-Forgiveness and How to Overcome Them

You may face some challenges when you’re beginning to heal. Here are some common ones with solutions to overcome them:

  • Having unrealistic expectations from yourself can make forgiveness challenging. Combat this by embracing imperfection and being realistic with yourself.
  • A lack of self-awareness can make you feel like there’s no need for self-forgiveness. You can use tools like meditation and journaling to become more aware of your authentic self.
  • Unresolved trauma from your past can prove to be a big barrier in this journey. See a therapist to help you become aware of these traumas and work through them.
  • Rumination of past mistakes can amplify the feelings of guilt and shame. Avoid this by acknowledging your emotions and engaging in relaxing activities.

Moving Forward with Forgiveness

Learning how to forgive yourself takes practice and patience. When you’re on this journey, it’s important to cultivate self-compassion and be kind to yourself. Make sure to take responsibility, show remorse, rectify your mistakes and make a plan for how to not repeat your mistakes in the future. Remember that you’re just human, and it’s okay to make mistakes, but it is important to forgive yourself for better mental and emotional health, improved relationships, heightened self-trust, emotional freedom and improved overall physical health. Learn more about self-compassion and tarot cards for personal growth from experts on SoulSensei.

Sources 

  • Thriveworks – How to forgive yourself: 7 tips on how to deal with guilt and let go.
  • Very Well Mind – How can I forgive myself? A therapist explains. By Kendra Cherry.
  • Psyche – How to forgive yourself. By Nathaniel Wade & Marilyn Cornish.
  • Psychology Today – Healing your shame and guilt through self-forgiveness. By Beverly Engel.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are some practical tips to start forgiving myself?

Some practical tips to start forgiving yourself are:
– Open up and talk about your mistakes with your loved ones instead of holding your guilt in. Express your emotions wholly to someone, even if it means seeking professional help. 
– Learn to separate what you did from what you are. Don’t let your mistakes define you. Just because you did a ‘bad’ thing doesn’t make you a bad person. 
– Be honest with yourself and acknowledge what happened. Accept that you messed up without any judgment or justification. You can even use a journaling tool to do this.
– Don’t punish yourself. Don’t let guilt and shame control your life. Instead of beating yourself up about what went wrong, focus on what you can do to make it go right.
– If you find it difficult to forgive yourself and the feelings of shame are too overwhelming, ask for a higher power to forgive you. Pray to a god you believe in to forgive you. 

Why is it so hard to forgive myself?

Despite our best efforts, it might be difficult to forgive ourselves due to certain emotional blocks, unrealistic expectations, being highly critical of ourselves or having low self-esteem.

How can I handle guilt over past mistakes?

The best way to handle your guilt over past mistakes is to turn it into motivation. Channel these negative feelings into something positive by apologising to the person who’s hurt or getting involved in community service. If feelings of guilt get too overwhelming, see a professional mental health therapist.

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