Managing Toxic Family: Signs, Solutions & Taking Control

Summary : Learn to identify toxic family dynamics, set boundaries, and protect your well-being. Gain practical steps to regain control and create a healthier mindset.
toxic family

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Our families are supposed to be our safe space. A group of people we can trust with anything and with whom we find comfort and solace. However, not everyone can be this lucky. Many families can have toxic traits whether this means certain people display toxic behaviours or the structure of the family is toxic. This is not uncommon but can be very difficult to manage. 

Learn to identify toxic family dynamics, set boundaries, and protect your well-being. Gain practical steps to regain control and create a healthier mindset.

The Challenge of Dealing with Toxic Family Dynamics

We all encounter toxic people in our lives, but when those people are part of the family, it becomes almost impossible to escape. Dealing with a toxic family can be particularly stressful on special occasions like weddings and other celebrations, but if you live with them, it can take a toll on your mental health and affect your day-to-day functioning. Spending time with toxic family members can make you feel drained, anxious, devalued and overwhelmed. The good news is that there are ways to deal with a toxic family and protect your peace of mind. The first step in coping with them is understanding where these toxic family members come from and recognising the signs of a toxic family. 

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Understanding Toxic Family Dynamics

A toxic household is any dynamic where one or more members are emotionally abusive, controlling or manipulative. Being part of such family dynamics can leave you feeling drained and stressed. Even if there’s just one such member in the family, it can disrupt the harmony in family relationships and cause significant damage to everyone’s mental and emotional well-being. With time, these toxic family dynamics can manifest in the form of anxiety, depression, low self-esteem issues and low self-worth issues in the members of the family. 

Signs of Toxic Family Relationships

Identifying the signs of toxic family relationships can help you answer the question of how to deal with toxic family members. Members of your family are toxic if they are:

  • Manipulating your actions by playing the victim or shaming and guilt-tripping you for something you did.
  • Being overly critical about everything and everyone, including you.
  • Using abusive or demeaning language to make you feel smaller.
  • Gaslighting you into questioning your reality and experiences of them by completely denying something hurtful they said or did in the past.
  • Overstepping your boundaries and disregarding your personal space, making it all about themselves.
  • Creating unnecessary drama and blowing small issues out of proportion to stress everyone out.
  • Showing a lack of empathy for how you feel and your well-being.

Why Toxic Dynamics Persist

No family gets along all the time. It is normal and even healthy to have conflicts. But it particularly becomes a problem when it starts taking a toll on your mental health. There are many reasons why a toxic family is the way it is. Some of the most common reasons are:

  1. The members of the family lack communication skills and don’t know how to resolve conflicts healthily.
  2. There is an unequal distribution of power within the family where only one member gets to control everyone else.
  3. There is unresolved trauma and unaddressed emotional baggage among the eldest members of the family.
  4. Members of the family don’t know how to set boundaries and respect them to maintain individual identities.
  5. People in the family use fear, shame and guilt lightly and frequently to manipulate each other.
  6. Members of the family are not held accountable for their harmful actions.
  7. Financial issues and societal pressures can play a key role in accelerating toxic family dynamics.
  8. Family members resist feedback and opportunities for change or growth.

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toxic family

Steps to Regain Power and Control

Every individual deals with toxic family members in their own way. Some choose to cut all ties, while others find ways to cope with them. Here are some key steps you can take to respond to such situations:

Step 1: Decide Your Preferences

Recognise what you want from the relationship and how much time you want to give it. This will help you gain clarity on the boundaries that you want to set. 

Step 2: Be Detached

Sometimes, you have no option but to spend time with certain family members. For example, a toxic mother or sister. In those cases, choose to stay away from their drama. Don’t listen to any gossip or avoid topics that can exacerbate heavy emotions. When it gets too much, just end the conversation or leave.

Step 3: Maintain Privacy

You don’t have to tell your family everything just because they’re family. If they’re toxic, then decide how much about your life you’re going to share and how much you’ll keep private. For example, you can tell them you got a new job but you don’t have to disclose your salary if finances are a particularly touchy topic for them.

Step 4: Set Clear Boundaries

Learn when to say no and tell them what behaviours you won’t tolerate. Be assertive and communicate these boundaries clearly to them.

Step 5: Don’t Try to Change Them

Even though you hope that they were different, don’t try to talk them into changing their behaviour. This will only drain you of your own energy and make you feel even more stressed than before. It is not your job to fix them. 

Step 6: Seek Help

Dealing with such members is particularly stressful and can give you a lifetime of trauma. The best way to heal yourself is to seek professional help and talk to a therapist.

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Solutions to Cope with Toxic Family

While different solutions might work for different people, here are some effective tips to create a healthier environment for yourself around toxic relatives:

  1. Limit interactions with them by reducing your meetings or phone calls. You can even plan meetings only at places and times that work for you.
  2. Prioritize self-care by engaging in relaxing activities that nourish your body and soul. Focus on self-improvement and personal growth.
  3. Practise mindfulness and breathwork while interacting with these members to remain calm. This way, they won’t be able to trigger you.
  4. Use tools such as meditation and journaling to process your feelings and reduce stress.
  5. Put yourself first even if it means going no-contact with your loved ones.

Adopting a New Mindset Toward Toxic Family Dynamics

Dealing with toxic relatives is not easy, but you can do some things to create a healthier environment for yourself. You can protect your peace by limiting interactions with them, drawing clear boundaries, practising self-care, being detached and seeking professional help. Learn more about harmonising your relationships from experts on SoulSensei. 

Sources

  • Healthline – When family become toxic. By Crystal Raypole.
  • Regain – Toxic family dynamics: the signs and how to cope with them.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can a toxic family relationship ever improve?

Though difficult, a toxic relationship can improve, but it requires a lot of effort. If the toxic member acknowledges their issues and is willing to change, then there is a chance to repair that relationship. If they’re willing to respect your boundaries, seek professional help and improve their communication, you can expect to see positive changes in your relationship. 

How can I set boundaries with a toxic family member?

Setting boundaries in unhealthy relationships is especially important to maintain your emotional well-being. Here are some tips to do it:

– Be clear about your limits. For example, tell them clearly and firmly that you will only see them once a year or call them twice a month.
– Calmly yet assertively inform that toxic member about what kind of behaviour you will not tolerate.
– Clarify the consequences to them and let them know what happens if they don’t respect these boundaries. For example, tell them that you’ll have no option but to cut ties if they don’t stop using demeaning language.
– Be consistent in enforcing your boundaries even when it gets uncomfortable.
– Be prepared for pushback from that family member as most toxic people don’t like it when you set boundaries with them.

Is it okay to cut ties with a toxic family member?

Cutting ties with a family member can be especially challenging and is ultimately a personal decision. But when that relationship does more harm than good for you and is taking a significant toll on your emotional and physical well-being, it might be worth considering.

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